me for the first 33 years of my life: my dad used to say “what would happen if you woke up on the titanic?? think about it” when he was tucking me in at night from at least age 5 and up, a form of psychological torture
me in my 33rd year of life: my dad optimistically thought i would have $250k to blow on something stupid by now and shut that shit down at the jump in the 90s
I’ve been thinking about how, when you’re little, you’re surrounded by adults who adore you, who you’re never going to remember.
I don’t mean like your parents and stuff, but like — I work in after school care, and I’m forever meeting five and six year olds who seem like the most incredible people on earth. Kids who painstakingly explain the rules of handball, kids who ask me to help them colour in, kids who feel really deeply wounded by a classmate’s behaviour, just an endless stream of them.
Or like my friends’ kids who I’ve babysat once or twice. A kid who played with me in a creek, a kid whose mannerisms are etched in my mind. Cousins’ babies who I held for a while. Even just stranger’s babies in shops who stare at me the way babies do.
One of my best friends has an online friend who’s recently had a baby, and he tells me - someone who doesn’t know the friend’s name even - about that baby having their first bath. Because that’s the kind of love and excitement that little children inspire.
None of these children will remember me.
I literally don’t have a greater point here, it’s just blowing my mind to think about how much love is directed towards people who can’t remember any of us. They can maybe, I guess, if everything goes well, remember the feeling of safety that ought to go with that love.
My cousin had a baby a while back and I visited her, recently, and she had a nap while I ended up holding the baby. This like, two month old baby. She can’t even smile yet. I do not have a lot of experience with infants - my mum had to show me how to hold the baby, and she cried a fair bit until we found a system that worked.
And then she slept in my arms, resting on my chest, for two or three hours.
It was at least an hour before I even thought about doing something else. Holding a sleeping baby, it turns out, can be a completely absorbing activity, even if you have ADHD. (Baby also enjoys the inherent leg-bouncing that comes with the ADHD.)
Now I can’t stop thinking about how when that kid is five or six she’s gonna run into me at Christmas lunch or some such event and - even if I see her on every holiday between now and then - I will basically be a stranger to her. But to me she will have the starring role in a memory I’m gonna treasure probably forever.
I can’t stop thinking about all the aunts and uncles and family friends and second cousins once removed that I was routinely introduced to at Christmas lunches or weddings or funerals, who would say “You’re so tall! Has it been that long? You probably don’t remember me haha.”
and how im gonna be saying the exact same thing very soon
And then she slept in
my arms, resting on my chest,
for two or three hours.
Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.
the thing is this dashboard change isnt the end of the world ill get used to it whatever im just fucking dying of embarrassment that its supposed to look like twitter
twitter gets run over by a bus and the next day tumblr comes 2 school wearing her clothes like. oh my god come on
